Gina Rinehart will never be PM … sorry, Pauline Hanson will never be PM. A Monte Dwyer oped on Pauline’s dream.
Let’s stop the crazy talk. Pauline Hanson will never be the Prime Minister of Australia, and One Nation without her is a rabble of pirates in a rudderless tub.
Just to refresh, we all followed Hanson’s recent escapades in the UK where she picked up a few tips on political longevity from ex-PM-for-45-days Liz Truss, and a kiss of impending death from Tommy Robinson. (It was a big month for Tommy; first Karl, then Pauline.)
She also tried to catch up with Reform UK leader Nigel Farage, but he was busy contesting a by-election against a man who wears a bin on his head, aka Count Binface. (And let us remember fondly the year 2016 when the UK asked the public to name its new polar research ship and it voted overwhelmingly in favour of Boaty McBoatface – so anything could happen here.)
Next it was on to Italy to catch up with her billionaire buddy and policy advisor Gina Rinehart for a quick spa and Dolce & Gabbana fashion show; just the thing to impress her working-class base back home.
Trailing in her wake
Then she hit the hustings running, with ill-considered remarks about Muslims, the White Australia Policy and domestic violence being “a two-way street” trailing in her wake like toilet paper stuck in hastily pulled-up trousers.
Problem is, nobody on Pauline’s team seems to know what she’s on about. Malcolm Roberts recently called AUKUS “absurd” while his boss insisted it was crucial for national security. David Farley agreed Labor’s current intake of 306,000 immigrants was “probably not” too many, directly contradicting Hanson’s 130,000 cap.
And Hanson herself disagreed with Hanson herself
regarding workers’ rights, by platforming on a pro-worker stance and then voting against them at almost every opportunity.
Even Barnaby Joyce was driven to barking at dogs trying to justify his boss’s remarks.
Incidentally, I’m siding with Barnaby here and saying the dog episode wasn’t staged. Some of my more cynical journalist colleagues have called it a ruse to avoid answering Sarah Henderson’s question. Yet I assure you as one of the better-known failed actors in this country, if I had manufactured an aside as convincing as Barnaby’s, complete with coy blush-to-camera finish, my tutor would have hailed me a much-improved waste-of-time indeed. (Notwithstanding the fact that Barnaby does a better blush than most.)
I met another of Hanson’s foot soldiers the other night; a state senator, no less. He seemed a nice bloke, albeit a little cooked for mine. I say this because when I asked him why he thought One Nation was a good fit for Australia, he told me straight-faced that only One Nation truly loves Australia. The rest of us are faking it, apparently.
“Pauline really listens to the Australian people,” he continued. “She’s a businesswoman, not a politician. The country’s broken and only she can fix it.”
Sound familiar? Like a MAGA refrain, perhaps?
I asked him to explain the path to power for One Nation. He didn’t seem to have a clear answer and mumbled something about future coalitions and unicorns (I think he said).
“What coalitions?” I pushed back. “We all know it’s her way or the highway. Or do you mean One Nation without Pauline?”
Again, he seemed uncertain, perhaps because he hadn’t considered that dreadful possibility, or he had and didn’t want to be caught out.
I have nothing personal against Pauline. I’m sure she truly believes in the retrogressive direction she’s advocating and that her vision for Australia is well-meaning.
But we’ve moved on. Battered savs and dim sims aren’t the only exotic fare at the fish and chip shop anymore. And the good old days were only really the good old days when seen through the framing of the rearview mirror.
Besides, don’t we already know how this story plays out? Disgruntled voters get sick of establishment politics and take the tilt-to-reset option, only to find they’ve jumped
out of the frying pan straight into the fire.
(And if you think Iran’s going well for Trump then I know of some cheap waterfront blocks on Lake Eyre that might interest you.)
Okay, sometimes we get fed up with the way we’re being governed, I get it. But we’re a conservative nation; we don’t do revolution and the majority is happiest being governed from the centre. For now, it’s centre left. And while I have a few quibbles with Albo about our sovereignty and foreign influence in particular, all things considered I don’t think we’re doing so badly.
That said, I’d likely be just as happy with centre right under a sensible coalition. But please, let’s not indulge the lunatic fringe just because the world’s not turning exactly as we like it to. As my dear old Nanna would say, count your blessings, not your grievances.
Monte Dwyer - formerly a professional fisherman, fashion model, foreign aid worker, hospitality worker, failed property developer and TV weatherman - is an author and filmmaker. His latest book, "MAGA, Guns & God – A road trip through ‘red’ America", is available from his website.